A thing about gay marriage

This morning I woke up to the news that a rather large number of Tory MPs – people that are supposed to represent us, we, the people – are planning to “oppose government plans to legalise gay marriage.”

One of the arguments frequently made against gay marriage, both here and in the US, is that it undermines the sanctity of a traditional institution, but this argument is a foolish one because it allows us, we, the people who believe in equal rights for all, to shine a little light on this traditional institution as it currently stands in its traditionally institutionalised way.

With that in mind, I’d like to tell you a story.

I know someone who is getting married. She got engaged over Christmas to a man she has only known for five weeks. After two weeks, she broke up with him. She broke up with him by leaving a note under a pumpkin at the door of her offices. She asked him to meet her at the office at midnight, even though she finished work at 10pm and wouldn’t be there, and this dude turned up to find a pumpkin with a note underneath it saying “sorry mate, but I don’t want your thing in me anymore” or something like that. The note was under a pumpkin, because he had previously made a sweet comment about how he liked her so much, he was worried about her turning into a pumpkin.

Let’s ignore the fact that he is getting the Cinderella analogy completely and utterly wrong, because it’s a carriage that turns into a pumpkin, not Cinderella herself. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t referring to her heft and didn’t mean to compare her to a carriage, so, bearing that in mind, this was a cruel and malicious way to break up with someone.

But don’t tell yourself that this man is a saint. Shortly after the pumpkin incident, they got back together, and the story of how that happened is an interesting one.

One evening, the girl went out. She wasn’t answering her phone. She wasn’t at her house. So the man slept on her doorstep until 4 in the morning. At 4 in the morning, she came home from a night out. He woke up, and she left him outside. In December. At 4 in the morning. He tried to call her. He tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, but she still didn’t answer her phone. So he shouted. He shouted and screamed at 4 in the morning in December, and when she still didn’t answer her phone, he smashed a car window with his fist.

The girl found this to be terribly romantic. They got back together. Three short weeks later, they became engaged.

Now, here’s the point I’m getting at: this girl and this guy are clearly sociopaths. They are crazy to enter into this commitment (which almost certainly won’t last), and they’re idiots to want to get married to someone who is as nutty as they are, but they have every right to get married if that’s what they want to do.

But if two morons are allowed to get married to each other in spite of their inherent moronity just because they happen to be a man moron and a woman moron, why does this sorry little tale not undermine the sanctity of a traditional institution? Do those who seek to uphold the sanctity of this traditional institution find this story to be a wonderfully heartfelt and romantic one? Why does their dysfunctional relationship count for more because one of them has a dick and the other one has a vagina?

I know a number of couples where both parties have the same type of genitals. They are some of the most loving couples you could ever hope to meet. They are also the picture of domesticity. They have houses and dogs and gardens and they go shopping. They go shopping, Tory MPs, just like you and me! And do you know what they buy? Tomatos! Ready-made lasagnes! Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes! They’re just like us, you know!

Are there gay couples as dysfunctional and weird as the ones I’ve described above? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be allowed the same rights as everyone else.

Gay marriage doesn’t undermine the sanctity of this traditional institution. Heterosexual marriage is doing a pretty fucking good job of that as it is. So let’s open up the playing field so everyone can get on it. It’s only fair.